kamrandolph's Xanga

Update

Tue, 02 Oct 2012 05:12:28 GMT

HI everyone!

My writing has been hit or miss lately, with more missing than hitting.

I have joined the Walmart Associate VisionWalk Challenge. The link I provided gives you an idea of what and why I am doing it. All I have to do is walk for the whole month of October and keep a log of how much I walk each day. Walmart donates based on number of hours walked the money. I already walk 30-45 minutes hit of miss several times a week. This was a way to get myself to walk more and be accountable to do it regularly. I use to walk very regular, then got side tracked with life. So now it is time to step it up and get back to walking. This time walking for a cause to help motivate me.

Tomorrow night is Delta. I love my recovery group. It is a great group of people. I love going to a place where I can be messy and share my messy heart with others. The grace I have found from the others in my group has been such a blessing. The grace of God has been shown to me through them so many times. I love going and participating and listening to others.

Back in September I went to a Women's Retreat my church had. It was a fabulous time with other ladies who love God. I made some new friends and was able to hang out with some friends I have had for a while. Our theme was "SHE......" It was a time to learn about: She is fun, She is giving, She is loved, She is sexy, She is redeemed. These are the topics that were talked on and discussed in our small groups. My friend Sara at Open Your Shutter took these amazing photos! The first one is of my favorite outfit I wore at the retreat. The second is when we dressed for our formal dinner........ She is Sexy. The third is just having some fun. Each team of had someone model for them as they made a "fashionable" outfit out of duct tape and toilet paper. I was the model for our team. I laughed and cried so much at the retreat. It was just a time to encounter God and form relationships with others.

Grandma Cecilia and Grandpa Bud

Thu, 27 Sep 2012 02:38:35 GMT

Cecilia you have gone to be with Jesus where you mind and body are healed whole again. You are with Bud again. It has been awhile since you were together. You both are with our Savior. I miss you and love you. Your funeral was full of love and laughter at the memories we shared. There were so many pictures of you smiling with your family. There were pictures at the nursing home of you hitting the balloon.

The story I could not help but laugh loudly at was the story of teaching Howard your version of Rock - Chawk - Jayhawk, from a MU Tiger fan.

Rock

Chawk

Jayhawk

Peeeeeeeeee

Ewwwwwww!

I laughed and celebrated you and your love for your family. We all loved you so much and still do. Our tears are for us and missing you. Our laughter is a celebration of you. I look forward to the day when I am with you again, in heaven giving you and Bud a hug.

A Letter from the Heart

Thu, 06 Sep 2012 19:01:15 GMT

Years and years ago, you reached out to me. You saw me upset and took the time to figure out what was in my heart. You asked me what was wrong. It was the anniversary of my Opa's death. You took time to look deeper inside my heart. You helped me release a balloon in memory of him at Lion's Lake.

It wasn't long after this that you asked me out on our first date. We went to Lion's Lake and had a picnic. We talked all afternoon. We took a walk around the lake. As I was doing a balancing beam act and started to fall, you took my hand and we finished walking around the lake.

My feelings have always confused me. I stuffed them deep inside back then. The first time you told me you loved me. Oh what a thrill and fear that shot through my heart. Thrilled that someone would love me. Fearful because I did not know what I felt in my heart and I was afraid you would leave. You stayed beside me and gave me time to figure out my heart. It was months before I decided I did love you. Patiently you waited for me.

Eventually you asked me to marry you in a fairy tale setting. We walked under trees where the branches interlaced, letting streams of sunlight through down the old dirt road. Turkeys were roosting in the trees gobbling at us as we disturbed them. Off the road you took me, into a pasture filled with wild flowers. As we walked to the lace covered table cloth the monarch butterflies that covered the field swarmed up around us flying in circles. I am so glad I said yes.

Over thirteen years later, you still take time to figure out what is going on deep inside me. You wait patiently until I figure it out and then tell you. You give me time and space and understanding. You love me. I love you. Thank you!

Linking in with others over at Faith Barista!

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God Makes A Way

Thu, 30 Aug 2012 20:02:50 GMT

We were asked in Delta, my recovery meeting, last Tuesday, "What are you celebrating as we close out almost a year?" Slowly tears started sliding down my face. I realized I wasn't celebrating anything. I couldn't think of one thing to share, so I remained silent, small trickles of tears sliding down my face.

Daily Burdens of Life

Terminal Illness of a Loved One

Chronic Illness of Another Loved One

Betrayal

Job Loss

Anxiety

Depression

Isolation of my Own Doing

A Dear Trusted Friend Moved Away

These were the things I thought of when the question was asked, "What I was celebrating?"

This last year has been a hard year. The feelings are so overwhelming that often it is hard to deal with all that is going on. Sometimes my feelings take the form of grief and sadness. Other times my feelings are anger and rage. Continued dealing with issues from my past of abuse, are often triggered by my current struggles.

Yet the more I listened to others in small group sharing their hearts and struggles and victories, I realized. I am celebrating the LOSSES. I am celebrating being able to grieve and feel the losses as they have happened to me. I cried as I shared this in small group. I felt the grief more than ever before. I felt the loss more than ever.

For those of you who don't know me, I am a recovering stuffer. I use to hide my feelings that I deemed "bad." I refused to acknowledge them. I put them away and refused to say anything was wrong. I put on a fake smile and let everyone think all was ok with me. I could answer any question put to me with a Bible verse. If I couldn't I would look one up and get back to the person. I would get so busy doing good things helping around the church, I would not take time for me and Jesus.

These last four or five years, I have been opening up to ALL the feeling God designed me with. I have learned to cry. I have learned to really laugh. And all the feelings in between.

God has been in the losses with me, crying with me. I see God making a way within me. I see God in the darkest parts of my heart with me, standing beside me with his arm around my shoulders.

This year as I have suffered all these different losses, I have felt them as they happened. I have grieved. I have yelled. I have cried. I am celebrating FEELING all of my feelings.

I am and have been reaching out to others to help me during this time. In my recovery group and a few others I trust totally, I share my heart and hurts. They are there to listen without judgement. They are there to lift me up with their own strength in God when I feel I have none. I am not alone. God is there making the dark, light, by just being with HIM.

How do you see God making a way for you?

What are you celebrating?

Joining Bonnie over at Faith Barista for the Jam Session.

Darkness into Light

Thu, 23 Aug 2012 03:14:27 GMT

Dear God,

Sometimes I asks you for things. Sometimes I praise you. Sometimes I just wonder aloud to you in my writings. Today I am wondering. Why "REST?" You spoke this word to my heart as my one word to my heart back in January of 2011 and then again in January 2012. I have been wrestling with rest again this week thinking about it after they revisited the topic ONE THING in the sermon last Sunday. The congregation back in January had people pray and pick ONE THING to work on for the year. Since you had already laid on my heart REST, I chose that for my ONE THING. I have been thinking about rest all week and thinking back to this past year.

Little did I know that my world would crash after accepting that you were calling me to continue to learn to rest this year. My anxiety would start up again after Matt began having more heart issues again. I would have questions about marriage issues. I would be betrayed deeply. I would be falsely accused by someone. I lost my daycare teaching job because of the accusation. My anxiety would turn into a deep depression again. I have found a job, just to pay the bills, but it is still only part-time, so we still struggle to make end meet each month. Found out my Aunt has terminal cancer. It is only a matter of time.

It has been a struggle to even function let alone rest this year. I have had to re-learn to take care of myself and get help when needed. I have been taking my new medication. I have been talking and sharing my heart throughout the process. I am not isolating myself. I am sharing with trusted friends. I shared with a dear friend and counselor. I have shared at Delta, my recovery group openly with my struggles (and at Care 201 class).

Most of all I have shared my heart with you. I have yelled at you. I have cried with you. I have questioned you. You have been there and taken it all. You are faithful to me during my pain and crisis after crisis. I have read Job, The Psalms, Lamentations, Ecclesiastes and then started the process of the Psalms again. I have cried myself to sleep. I have written page after page in my journal.

My friend, Ben, shared this quote with me from Gerald Sittser in A Grace Disguised, "My sister, Diane, told me that the quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run wet, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise. I discovered in that moment that i had the power to choose the direction my life would head, even if the only choice open to me, at least initially, was either to run from the loss or to face it as best as I could. Since I knew that darkness was inevitable and unavoidable, I decided from that point on to walk into the darkness rather than to try to out run it, to let my experience of loss take me on a journey wherever it would lead, and to allow myself to be transformed by my suffering rather than to think I could somehow avoid it. I choose to turn toward the pain, however falteringly, and yield to the loss, though I had no idea at the time what it would mean." I still want to read A Grace Disguised, but with money being tight I am not buying anything extra right now.

I have been learning to walk into the darkness so I could find the sun and light of day. I have had no idea that the pain would be so overwhelming I would entertain thoughts of suicide. Yet my reaction this time to the thoughts wasn't to even consider acting on those thoughts. My thoughts this time, why am I thinking of this? I am thinking of this because I just want the pain to end. I just wanted to avoid the pain and loss. It was another way of running. I chose to turn from the thoughts, realizing they were valid, but not necessary.

I chose to turn to embrace the pain and share it with YOU and those trusted around me. In doing so I have experienced you more intimately than ever before. I have known you are there in the midst of the pain and suffering. As I walked into the darkness and faced the loss as best as I could, sometimes better than others, YOU were with me. I did not have to walk long in the dark before I realized you were with me, yet is still seemed like is was forever at the same time. I still remember something that my dear friend Ben, said to me, "I would rather walk in the darkness with Jesus, than the light without him." I have walked some dark places this year. I have known you intimately. You have meet me in the darkness and turned it to light.

Am I still faced with many of the same issues. Yes they have not changed. It is still a struggle to meet our bills. Yes I am still needing a full time job. Am I still dealing with the betrayal and loss. Yes.

The difference is that YOU have meet me in the midst of it all. You have come and sat with me. You have come and brought comfort and peace. Is this the rest you talk about in Matthew 11:28-30? "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

I still don't know what rest is? I still don't understand why this is the word you want me to focus on for my ONE THING. REST. I will just keep my focus on you instead of the word rest. That is where my focus needs to stay.

Love, Katie

Joining others over at Faith Barista for the Faith Jam session!

What would you say if you wrote a letter to God?

What I Know Now

Thu, 16 Aug 2012 03:55:33 GMT

Bonnie over at Faith Barista challenges us on Thursday's with a writing prompt and you write whatever inspires you. The only requirement is to keep it real. This week our prompt is to write a letter to yourself at an earlier time in your life. Share what you know now about the faith journey with your younger self.

Dear Katie,

If I could communicate back with you when you were younger I would tell you, to stop running. There is no need to run from your pain. There is no need to forget your past. Remember and forgive and learn to live again. Find someone you trust and talk, remember, and heal. Stop hiding your heart from others. Your heart is a good heart that yes has done much sin and been sinned against, but it is good.

Larry Crabb said, "Pain is your friend." I have learn through pain this last several years that is a true statement because pain taken to God and trusted friends will draw you into an even deeper relationship with God and others. Sharing my heart with God and others lets LOVE in that much more.

"When we tell our stories, the truth about our lives - the broken parts, the secret parts, the beautiful parts - then the gospel comes to life, an actual story about redemption." Shauna Niequist

Sharing my heart, your heart, with others lets us into the bigger picture which is God's story of redemption. Each bit of your pain and hurt shows how much bigger God is to redeem the story of your life. Trust God and others with it.

Again your heart is good. There is goodness inside that others see even if you can not see it. I know at times I don't see it still, but it is there. Your heart is full of love for God and love for others. Take time to love yourself. Take time to trust yourself with ALL of yourself, joys and pain. Take time to grieve the losses in your life. Take time to celebrate the good.

Dust Of Your Rabbi

Wed, 08 Aug 2012 22:07:57 GMT

We watched this video.

Last at Delta......... wow........... again God spoke deep to my heart to the point of tears again. I am chosen. I am chosen even though I am not the "best of the best" by the Rabbi (Jesus) right where I am at in the midst of where I am at and the sin I am in.

Tears came trickling out when I realized that the rabbis' during the time of Jesus only picked disciples who were the best of the best of the best. If you did not cut it then the rabbi would tell you go learn your father's trade. If the rabbi picked you he would say "Come follow me" meaning to come and learn and imitate me to be like me to pass on my beliefs and teachings. Then when Jesus went and called his disciples he went first to fishermen......... those who were NOT the best of the best......... saying come be like me. Jesus thought that these "outcast"...... not the best and brightest...... could be like him. He said the same to me tonight again.

You were not first, foremost, with a degree, but you are CHOSEN by me. You are chosen to be my disciple and become more like me. You can do it. I believe in you.

Being fired last spring from a job I loved was humbling. I felt like I was a loser. I was the lowest of the low if I was fired. I found a part-time job at Walmart.

Last week at work a lady was yelling things out her window to other sitting in the smoking area and pulled a taser also. She never got out of her car. No one was hurt and police were called. She was yelling things like "get a real job." Although I am sure her words were not so nice. I was not there, but heard about the incident.

I do work a real job. A job where you work and earn money to support yourself legally is real honest labor--- a real job. But I have heard this type of things before because my husband has worked at Walmart for many years. He hears this type of stuff all the time.

I was compared to my twin all the time. Why can't you be more like her. Why don't you do your hair like her? Why aren't your grades as good? Comparison told me I was never good enough. An outcast. Hurting, deep inside by being second place.

These kind of things make you feel so low. Lower than the lowest.

Last night Jesus spoke deep to my heart again......... YOU ARE CHOSEN. I want YOU.

"May you believe in God. But may you come to see that God believes in you. May you have faith in Jesus. But may you come to see that Jesus has faith that you can be like him. A person of love and compassion and truth. A person of forgiveness, and peace, and grace, and joy, and hope. And may you be covered in the dust of your rabbi, Jesus." Rob Bell - Dust

I want to be covered in the dust of Jesus. I want to learn to be a person of love, compassion, truth, forgiveness, peace, grace, joy and hope. I hope I am becoming more like him everyday. I am learning more everyday that God believes in me. He wants ME!

On this Day In August.....

Tue, 07 Aug 2012 20:59:52 GMT

FOR TODAY

Outside my window... I see the sun shining.

I am thinking...that I am excited to go to Delta, my recovery group tonight, to share my heart and hear others share their hearts.

I am thankful...for Delta for it is among sharing and caring that God has provided healing for me.

In the kitchen...I have full kitchen sink of dishes that need washing.

I am wearing...jeans and a FBC Warrensburg black t-shirt.

I am creating...deep and lasting friendships with other women.

I am going...to Delta tonight.

I am wondering...what the lesson will be tonight and how God will move in my heart.

I am reading...Life's Healing Choices by John Baker.

I am hoping...to get together with friend tomorrow on my day off.

I am looking forward to... the FBC Women's Retreat in September. The theme is "She..."

I am learning...more and more of God's grace everyday.

I am pondering... "Pain is my friend." said by Dr. Larry Crabb

A favorite quote for the day....

One of my favorite things...is spending time with friends.

A few plans for the rest of the week: Work, Hopefully pick up the car from the shop

A peek into my day...this is the time of year that Powell Gardens has the annual butterfly festival, near the anniversary of the day my husband proposed (which happens to be his birthday August 6). The field was covered in monarch butterflies. This time of year I always think of that special moment.

What is your day like?

Linking with The Simple Woman's Daybook.

Sharing

Thu, 02 Aug 2012 21:27:51 GMT

Photo credit: ppdigital from morguefile.com

Have you ever told yourself that everything is fine and nothing is wrong? I know I have. I have pretended life was great and nothing hurt me. I lied to myself so long that I believed this to be true. I had walls around me to protect me that were lies and were actually hurting me.

The first time I shared my story my heart was racing and everything in my mind screamed, "DON'T TELL! IT ISN'T SAFE!" You don't know if they can be trusted with your heart. You don't know if they will go gossip about you. You don't know what will happen.

God whispered to my heart... "Share your heart. Tell others what is inside. You are not alone my beloved. You are safe hidden in my love."

God began to crack those walls around my heart and slowly began sharing the hurts inside with a few trusted people, including a counselor. Cracking those barriers around my heart hurt so much but in a good way. For the first time I was dealing with hurts of my past. I began to tell others my story.

I found grace and acceptance and LOVE in telling my story. I found I was not alone. Others were hurting like me and just needed to hear that they were not alone either. I found that telling my story encouraged others. I found that I was able to connect with others around me by sharing pieces of my heart.

I don't just mean sharing my story up in front of crowds of people, although I have done that now. Just sharing parts of my story one on one with someone means I have connected with someone. In connecting and sharing my heart often others feel free to share their own hearts!

"When we tell our stories, the truth about our lives - the broken parts, the secret parts, the beautiful parts - then the gospel comes to life, an actual story about redemption." Shauna Niequist

Telling the secrets I kept deep inside me, gave me freedom. Sharing tears with others let others see the real me. Sharing fun and great things that happened with laughter let others see the real me. God brought redemption to what I kept hidden deep inside. God was shown to me through telling my story.

What is your story? Tell someone a piece of it today.

****sharing an old post over again***** Hope you enjoy it.

Love others

Wed, 01 Aug 2012 17:49:06 GMT

"Father, I want to live in a new way. I want to participate in real life. You have made that possible for me through Jesus. Unearth in me the life that is deeper than my selfishness. Help me to live like Jesus, to live sacrificially and hungrily for what is yet to come. In Jesus' name, amen."

God's Love Letters to You, Page 72

Question for Reflection:

What stirs in you as you pray this prayer? What would living "sacrificially" look like in your life?

This week I got this from Dr. Crabb in my email. It spoke deep to my soul, to pray these words. I sat reflecting upon the words and my own selfishness came to mind. I thought of times I would be irritated because things did not go as I expected them to. I thought of times when I pushed my agenda over someone else's desires.

For me to live like Jesus would be to love others like Jesus. To see beyond the surface and love the person, for who they are right where they are at in life. To love others, is to accept them and love them despite the sin in his or her life. Jesus did that. He loved each of us exactly where we are. We don't have to clean ourselves up to be able to come to him. He just wants us to come to him in all of our mess and brokenness. He loves us right where we are. I want my life to reflect more of Jesus to others around me. I strive to love others this way but I know my own selfishness often gets in the way and I fail. My prayer is Jesus love others through me, because I can't without you.