I have not posted an update for people in a long while. 

• Matt's health is staying steady.  He still has minor afib events, but it is being controlled and converted by his medicine, so they do not occur often.  We are still working on him being able to sleep with his cpap machine for his sleep apnea as this is a leading cause of afib. We have a new mask we are trying out now. 
• I lost my job about a month and half ago.  I was able to get on at Walmart part-time working in the clothing section, mostly girls, boys, and infants.  I am still learning the ropes there.  Many nights Matt and I pass each other at the time clock.  I am getting off when he is coming in.  
• Today we started having car trouble, so who knows how it will turn out.  It seems to be something major but we don't know anything yet.  We know nothing about cars.  Now with car trouble it will be interesting how Matt and I will be able to juggle the car and each of us work these opposite schedules.   
• I was able to go with some friends for a weekend to hear Dr. Larry Crabb speak.  Dr. Crabb is an conference speaker, author and Christian psychologist.  It was a whirlwind trip with friends.  I am grateful to have been able to go and hear him.  There was so much from the conference that I will not be able to sum it up here.  I am grateful I was able to go because it helped me realize what was inside me more and where I am at currently in my own walk with God and others. 
• I continue to enjoy friends hearts as I get to know people better.  It is hard to reach out and make new friends.  I am trying with one person and I hope we become friends.  I am also reaching out to current friends saying can we spend time together so I may know them better and they may know me better. 
• With my new work hours I may not be able to go to very many of my recovery meetings with Delta.  I will miss it so much.  It has been a wonderful place for me to learn to share my heart with others.  But in having to miss Delta, I have been given the same days off these couple of weeks with my husband!!!  BEST thing is for us to have days off together so we can connect with one another.  
• Today Matt and I went fishing at his uncle's family lake.  Matt asked me to actually fish with him instead of read, like I do when I go out with him.  I love going to the lake and reading and watching the wildlife.  Today I say a heron.  It was a beautiful and graceful bird.  Matt taught me to fish and I caught several small bluegill.  After about three hours I was done and picked up my book.  We were out there most of the day on the water in his rowboat.  Lots of bottled water and sandwiches in the cooler..... but I forgot the sunscreen in the car.   OUCH.  I have a sunburn on my arms, legs, shoulder that hurts like the dickens.  A friend suggested boiling teabags, letting the water cool, use old rags and put on the burn.  So I am in the process of letting the water cool before I can try this.  I hope it works.  

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." Matthew 11:28-30

Life has been extremely hard and painful.  Betrayed deeply. Losing a job.  Unemployment denied, due to working non-profit, so they did not pay into unemployment insurance.  Health issues of a loved one.  I have spent many days and nights wondering where God is.  I wrote some about it here, here, and here. I spent many a night tossing and turning and crying.  Where are you God? 

Psalm 56:8 "You've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book." 

You were with me.  You held me.  You saw each night I went sleepless.  You saw each tear that I cried or held deep inside.  You know the pain.  You saw the heart aches.  

This week You provided money to pay bills in unexpected ways.  This week You found me a job.  Any job is better than no income at all.  I am grateful for providing for us.  I am grateful you worked so fast.  I am grateful for the people you spoke to that helped us.  You showed yourself faithful. 

In talking to a friend yesterday, I realized something that was different this time going through the trials and pain.  Even though I wanted to hide.  Even though I tried to hide from the world.  I found myself not hiding.  I saw my friends reaching out to me drawing me out of my house.  They would not let me hide away.  I saw myself reaching out to my husband and drawing him into the pain of my heart and sharing the deep things hidden inside.  I saw myself hiding, but then refusing to hide and let others in.  I want to run.  I want to hide.  It is instinct to run and hide, but this time I did not.  Even with God I would try to give him the silent treatment and try to hide from Him, but then I would turn around and tell him exactly how angry and scared I was.  I found myself screaming, yelling at Him, then in the next breath saying how much I loved Him and I was grateful for Him.  I hate You.  I love You.  Back and forth.  

For the first time in my life I actually faced pain as it was happening.  Don't get me wrong.  It is still hard to be betrayed and it still hurts.  It hurts to lose a job I loved.  It hurts to wonder how we will pay our bills.  But facing the pain and experiencing the pain was so different for me. Letting others inside my heart as it is in pain was new also.  It has brought me closer to them and closer to God.  

Where are you?  Are you hiding from your pain?  Are you facing it?  

Psalm 42 (NIV)

    For the director of music. A maskil of the Sons of Korah.

 ¹ As the deer pants for streams of water, 
   so my soul pants for you, my God. 
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. 
   When can I go and meet with God? 
³ My tears have been my food 
   day and night, 
while people say to me all day long, 
   “Where is your God?” 
⁴ These things I remember 
   as I pour out my soul: 
how I used to go to the house of God 
   under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise 
   among the festive throng.

 ⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast? 
   Why so disturbed within me? 
Put your hope in God, 
   for I will yet praise him, 
   my Savior and my God.

 ⁶ My soul is downcast within me; 
   therefore I will remember you 
from the land of the Jordan, 
   the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar. 
⁷ Deep calls to deep 
   in the roar of your waterfalls; 
all your waves and breakers 
   have swept over me.

 ⁸ By day the LORD directs his love, 
   at night his song is with me— 
   a prayer to the God of my life.

 ⁹ I say to God my Rock, 
   “Why have you forgotten me? 
Why must I go about mourning, 
   oppressed by the enemy?” 
¹⁰ My bones suffer mortal agony 
   as my foes taunt me, 
saying to me all day long, 
   “Where is your God?”

 ¹¹ Why, my soul, are you downcast? 
   Why so disturbed within me? 
Put your hope in God, 
   for I will yet praise him, 
   my Savior and my God.